hypnagothic | [Etraya] IC Contact/Inbox

[ i have liv’d o’er my lives without number ]

[ She has been sleeping little, eating less, and wielding moods that rarely cycle into anything alluring. No doubt, it has made her unbearable to be around, something she is keenly aware of and yet unable to change for any betterment. Vanessa is convinced that whatever has been growing within her was always there. Making contact with that creature had only awakened it—awakened her. The other her.

And what is left of her old self? How much of that has only been a shell? Only a body for something primordial to wear until the time is right? When that happens, will that thing be loved? Or will it be alone when her prophecy takes on a different form in this world?

She stares at the odd carmine color that the sky has shifted to for the moment, her breath fogging the window's glass, before her gaze shifts down to the streets below. The mission that Aurora had planned has grown into something twisted, infecting her and so many others. Vanessa knows that whatever lives in her has spread far and wide, and both terror and rage have manifested for many of the other denizens.

Her own pain is poisoning this realm.

Tears sting at her eyes, but she blinks them back when glancing over her shoulder as she senses him enter the room. Any relief she might feel at finding him unscathed is quickly muted by a jaded self-scolding.

What would the King of Nightmares have to fear? ]

I could have sworn that the sky was green earlier. Did you see it, or am I going mad?

[ his own thoughts seem to have taken a dark turn of late, lingering on past hurts and slights he now acknowledges in the depths of himself, but he keeps his own counsel in such things and has not said anything aloud, even when directly asked by others when they catch him in a black mood. they're either ignored or interrupted curtly by him to change the subject, but that seems close enough to some of his more normal mannerisms that any change isn't obvious, even as they become more frequent.

his more active concern is Vanessa, though. he's become more accustomed to the patterns of needed maintenance for mortals so it's more obvious to him when her partaking of meals and habits seem to slack. he absolutely notices her lack of sleep, the foremost concern by his perspective. and it's this concern that brings him into the room now, searching for her. ]

It was. This place seems to be undergoing a change of late not unlike the nightmares I craft.

[ The harrowed thoughts he keeps hidden are not so hidden from her, the thing that has spread through her, and yet so far she has mostly resisted in trying to provoke them. Something in her still loves him too much to wish him further pain, even as it calls to her as though she were long starving.

Only more reason to hate herself. She hungers for the worst in everything and everyone.

One hand rests to the pendant beneath her nightgown, and she looks back to the window. Her reflection is more of a shadowed silhouette, but she takes no notice of that for favoring to search for the chaos outside. ]

Perhaps the one to craft these nightmares cannot help themselves.

[ he steps further into the room, coming closer to stand just behind and to the side of her, his reflection in the window just at her shoulder. ]

You speak of Echo?

[ To that, she shakes her head, but she is too afraid to give voice to any further explanation.

In her glance to his reflection, she tilts her head. ]

Nightmares are not meant for the waking world, are they?

[ he meets her eyes in the glass. ]

No. They should remain in dreams where the dreamer may confront their fears at their own pace.

[ As soon as he does, she's quick to look back out the window, watching the sky further darken. Night will soon fall, and she wonders what color that will take. ]

You are the one to help humans confront their fears, then. Is there no one to help you do the same?

[ Perhaps there is nothing he fears in the current time, but she has known of his pain in the past. She wants to know more of it, but is it to comfort him?

No, stop. You are being wicked, and you can't. Not with him. ]

[ his gaze shifts from the window to her form beside him, his brows drawing low in mild confusion. ]

Confront my fears, my lady?

[ Her nod is slow. She doesn't turn. ]

They may not be as numerous as a mortal's, able to control you as they might a human, but I can't help but wonder after what has ailed you. Do you not fear losing your power again? That you might never return to the Dreaming?

[ a shadow falls over his expression, his darker thoughts coming to the forefront at her mentioning. it takes him several moments to push through them and respond, visibly swallowing them down. ]

... Have these thoughts troubled you? You need not dwell on them, my venomous one.

[ She can taste it. ]

Everyone's thoughts trouble me of late. Their pain fills me. I can scarcely tell the difference between mine and theirs, at times.

[ Her eyes flutter closed for a moment, even as her heart twists with her gut, and her nails drag against the glass before her hand falls to her side. ]

But you shall always be my greatest concern. ...Did you not once promise to never hide from me?

[ Then, she looks over her shoulder towards him, heavy-lidded. ]

Or is it yourself that you hide from?

[ his eyes meet hers in truth now, his frown deepening. ]

What has happened, that you feel other's thoughts and pains? You have not been yourself since we returned.

I have always felt something of them, but perhaps...I am more myself than ever before. Perhaps I have inflicted my pain on them as well. On the world.

Just as he always said I would.

[ Slowly, she reaches up in the hopes of cupping his cheek. ]

Would that frighten you? Anger you? Would you still accept me?

[ he doesn't flinch or withdraw from her touch, even tilting his head into that small display of intimacy between them. but the coolness of her fingers surprises him, eyes widening ever so slightly while not looking away from her. almost as cool as he is. ]

You speak of that from which you were fashioned?

Of that which I could become.

[ What she came from, what it can turn her into, may already be doing. Perhaps she invited it.

It has a name. Many names. And yet she cannot name it herself. Why? As though something forever blocks it. As though she continuously hides from herself, erasing the same discovery again and again.

But she knows it to be evil. ]

Ruin.

[ She holds his face with both hands now, searching for something even as she regrets doing so. Everything is regret, these days. ]

You promised to walk with me in darkness. But do you truly know that that means?

[ his own hands raise now as they more directly face each other, his palms cupping around just above her elbows as she holds him. his eyes do not leave hers, but there's something about the way that words rings through him now that makes him just barely shiver.

Ruin. like the ruin he wrought upon another mortal woman for daring to love him. like the ruin he refused to prevent for his son.

he has no need of breath, of lungs or the air to stir them, but he exhales a slow breath, his head tilting gently downward, his eyes now hooded by his brows. ]

I daresay far better than you ever would, my love.

[ It's there. So close. The finest of meals. An endless course.

And her heart may as well be stifled by needles. ]

Share it with me, then.

[ In different ways, he has forsaken others that he was supposed to have loved.

She cannot claim much different of her own crimes, but perhaps that is why she worries. How is she to be any different from the others? Is there a difference?

She needs to know more.

Her fingers curl, nails gently pressing into his skin. ]

You must know that I would never leave you, not while I draw breath. I would never betray you. Am I to expect any different from you? Will our pasts become our future?

Will you condemn me?

I will not condemn you for who you are. How could I, when it is what has drawn us together?

[ her determination, her perseverance—so much like that other mortal woman he has loved, the wise and beautiful queen.

the woman who killed herself to get away from him. the woman who would rather die than be with him once she found out who he was.

the woman he cast down to hell because she chose against him. ]

Only for the actions you choose to take.

[ See, there? He could leave you after all.

There will always be someone else he can move onto.

To beguile him. ]

How is there any difference between who we are and what we do? You cannot accept one while turning from the other. I am all that I have done and may yet do. Just as you are, beloved.

[ The carmine of the sky flickers through the pale blue of her eyes as her grip on him weakens, and her hands slip away.

Perhaps a reflection, perhaps something deeper. ]

As you once condemned her, for seeing her to do the same to you.

[ the touch against her arms was a delicate thing, his fingers barely brushing against her as she withdraws her hands from him, leaving his hands to hover near.

but his head raises quickly back up, his eyes wide for another reason now. ]

What?

Is that all it would take? A perceived slight, and you would abandon me to solitary destruction?

[ Her hands raise again, this time to cross and hug herself, with fingers brushing against his even as she replaces his gentle hold with one more bruising. Her grim expression is taut from a pain far deeper than anything physical as the words spill out of her. ]

Can I trust in your love? Please tell me that I can, that you would not do to me what you have done to others—women you loved, or even your own blood. I would care nothing for your other choices, so long as you remained with me.

But how can I believe that I deserve anything different? I am more deserving of a cruel fate than they, than anyone. And yet I hope for more of your heart? That you will always love me true? Have I been a fool, Morpheus? I bid you tell me otherwise.

[ his hands hover for a moment more, still surprised and even a little shocked that she somehow knows his thoughts in that moment? knows of his past that he has yet to share with her? how could she know of Nada?

but then she hugs herself, clinging tightly and even painfully onto herself with obvious distress, her words aimed at him. his hands reach for her once more, gripping at her shoulders now. ]

You are not a fool, Vanessa Ives. Nor are you deserving of any fate beyond the actions you have taken thus far. You still choose against evil, and thus you are not.

That is why I remain with you, my love, my dark beloved.

But I have done evil. It is what I am. I have nurtured cruelty. Torture. Betrayal. Death. My hands are already stained with the blood of others and their torment. There is a reason that God has never answered me.

[ She doesn't pull away, but her shoulders are tense. Hunched. ]

I cannot be any different than what I am. I cannot be good. You cannot expect me to be better than what I am, or what I have wrought. I would not ask it of you, no matter what you have done or may yet do.

[ She sobs and looks down, even as tears refuse to fall, and the whites of her eyes darken with a swirling shadow, like black ink spilling into water. ]

I could never condemn you. Not even if you were to abandon your love and turn from me.

[ with her head bowed like that, he doesn't see the change come over her eyes, he only sees the way she holds herself stiff and tense in front of him. he gently tugs on her shoulders, pulling her close to press against him, if she would.

his words grow softer and slower now, the earlier surprise faded enough to focus on her and her distress, on the here and now as he wraps his arms more fully around her. ]

And yet you remain human. By that very choice you cling to, you are not evil. Human hands may commit evil, but so too can they repent and do good. For that is the choice you give yourself. No one may take that from you or condemn you for it, not even one such as I.

[ Something squirms in her, a strange discontent that is not her own even as she leans into him, an alien discontent at receiving comfort instead of retaliation.

You don't deserve it. ]

Human...

[ She blinks back tears while her vision is blurred by his shoulder, and her hands slip to hang at her sides. Only for a moment, before reaching wrapping around his waist, holding him close for the time she is still able. ]

We both know that I am not entirely so. [ Her tone is bitter in this rare admission. ] And if I were to give in to that, as I fear I already have been? To live as my other self? No, as my entire self... Would I not then be evil, in your eyes? Would I not be beyond redemption?

...Are you beyond redemption, Morpheus? ...What of regret?

(no subject)

hypnagothic - 2024-09-24 01:08 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

matermali - 2024-09-24 03:12 (UTC) - Expand

[Etraya] IC Contact/Inbox

im'mari mission { past the wan-moon’d abysses of night

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)